Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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