Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
