Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
