If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
