i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
