So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
