you traded sex for a burrito?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
