i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
