But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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