Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
