Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
