Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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