there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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