her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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