if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
