Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just cut my nipple shaving
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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