I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
