We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
