he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
