You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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