I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
