In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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