and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
