You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
