Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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