I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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