Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Randomize
