: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This is the high leading the old right now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
