i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
