So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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