My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
