also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
