Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
