I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
