OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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