My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Small penises have feelings too.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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