Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
