This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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