Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
