Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need a sexual gate keeper
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
