As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
