So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
