Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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