Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
