if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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