Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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