I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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