He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
