I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
