Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
