I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
