So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
