last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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